Do Other People Negatively Affect Your Self-Esteem?
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
Other people can influence our self-esteem negatively, if we let them. What is important here is not what others think of us, but the importance we place on others and their opinions.
Three Great strategies for feeling miserable that you must avoid
1. Comparing ourselves to others.
There is always going to be someone who is more attractive, intelligent, rich, skilled in certain areas etc than we are. If I compare my guitar playing to Eric Clapton, or compare my tennis playing to John McEnroe, then I’m going to come out second best.
So if you want to indulge in feeling miserable, then it is easy to find someone to compare yourself to, and feel insignificant. This is not useful, but some people do this a lot.
2. Placing importance on other people’s opinions.
There is no harm in considering the opinions of others, without letting them rule our lives. There is the story of a man walking into town with his son and a donkey. He is riding the donkey. Someone says to him “You should be ashamed of yourself, sitting on the donkey, whilst your son walks”. So the man dismounts and puts his son on the donkey. Then someone says to him “How ridiculous. Your son is riding the donkey. He is young and fit. He should be walking, not you. What an idiot you are”.
So the man joins his son on the donkey’s back. Sure enough another self-opinionated person chastises him for doing this, saying “Look at that poor creature carrying the both of you. You should be ashamed of yourself, both sitting on the donkey”.
So the man and the boy dismounts. Of course then someone else says “What special kind of imbecile are you? Why have a donkey if you are not going to ride it?”
At this point, the man says to his child “Whatever we do, someone is going to find fault. So it is up to us to decide how to use our donkey”.
So it is in life. There will always be someone who disagrees, sees things differently, or thinks that you should do things another way. There are going to be people who don’t like you. That is not really your problem. Not every body likes the music of Eric Clapton. Does he lose any sleep over it? Of course not. Liberace, a pianist, on winning a lawsuit for slander, famously said “I cried all the way to the bank”.
3. Being too attached to our own point of view.
I recall years ago being in a meeting. I shared my point of view, and felt aggrieved when someone disagreed, as I attached my self-esteem to the approval of others. The problem with this, is that it stopped me from actually engaging in a useful way in the meeting, being open to other ideas, really listening to any objections and enjoying the exchange of ideas. How important is it to you for people to agree with your point of view?
Strategies for Self Esteem:
1. Quit comparing yourself to others
Avoid comparisons, unless it is constructive and leads to action. For instance, if I admire my brother’s table tennis skills, then I can choose to practice more, and then perhaps he might not beat me (so badly).
2. Accept Difference
Not everyone is going to like you, your ideas, or your way of doing things. Accept that, and life become easier.
3. Express Yourself
Your opinion and your way of doing things are just as valid as anyone else’s. So share your ideas and your point of view. Develop some stock phrases and strategies for dealing with people who are expressing their opinions forcefully. For instance if you disagree with someone, you could say:
“Is that how you see things? That’s one way of doing things I suppose”.
“Well, you are entitled to your opinion”.
“Well, I may be wrong. It has been known. If I am, I’m more than happy to put my hand up and admit it, as I do find people who can never admit their mistakes a bit tedious. I’m sure you feel the same”.
“That’s an interesting point of view. I may try your way next time, and this time I’m doing it this way”.
“Well, I might be wrong, but at least I’ll be making my own mistakes if do it this way. Did you make your own mistakes, or did you make other people’s mistakes?”
These responses often leave people not knowing how to respond.
4. Go With The Flow
Let go of outcomes. Recognise that some people want to ‘win’ the discussion; they are playing the ego game; you can join in with them, or you can choose not to.
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SIMON PIMENTA is a hypnotherapist, coach and trainer working with people to boost resilience and performance, and minimise stress.
After working in a demanding job as the Director of a Housing Trust, he went off sick and remained unable to work for the next 8 years.
He discovered a pioneering approach to resolving health issues and quickly got back his health, and now trains others using these same techniques, to help them become happier, healthier and achieve their goals.