Accepting and Forgiving Ourselves
In order to develop high self-esteem, we need to have a good relationship with ourselves. Yet some people find this difficult, as there are things about themselves that they don’t like, or they give themselves a hard time because of mistakes they have made.
So in order to improve our self-esteem, we have to make changes in our lives. However, people can be resistant to making change, and will maintain unhelpful behaviours, because they are familiar, rather than work at making changes, which can be scary.
What are you saying to yourself?
The root of resistance to change is fear. When we consider change, some people have this strong voice in their head that says something like:
“Don’t change your ways. We’ve done things this way up until now, if you start making changes, then it will end up badly. Don’t rock the boat, or you’ll be sorry. Stay the same. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Does any of that sound familiar?
Consider this; a key difference between people with high and low self-esteem is to do with the chatter that goes on in our head.The person with low self-esteem can often identify a negative voice that fears change.
The person with high self-esteem has a different voice in their head, which says things like: “Go for it! Volunteer to do that project. It will be a great learning experience. You have the skills. It might be a bit scary, but you can do it”.
The person with high self-esteem thrives on making change and taking on challenges. When we are comfortable with change, we are able to step outside our comfort zone. Each time we do this, we learn to become comfortable with things that were previously beyond what we thought we could handle. When we develop our confidence in this new area, we extend our comfort zone, and by extending our comfort zone, that boosts our confidence.
Change Your Thinking
In order to develop a better relationship to ourselves, we need to develop the ability to forgive ourselves, and the capacity to be compassionate towards ourselves.
Forgiveness
In order to forgive ourselves for making mistakes, we need to embrace the following ideas;
Principle 1: No one on this planet is perfect. We all make mistakes.
So if there is someone in your life has a habit of pointing out your shortcomings, realise that they aren’t perfect. You may say to them something like “I wish I was perfect like you, but I’m not”. Or agreeing with them, by saying “ Yes you’re right, I’m an (use whatever word they are using), and you’re the smartest person on the planet”.
Compassion and Acceptance
Principle 2: At any point in life, we are doing the best we can, with the resources we have.
So if someone is trying to give up smoking, but they keep resorting to cigarettes when they have a bad day, its just because they don’t have, or haven’t developed better strategies for coping. You can beat yourself up about that, but how does that help? It doesn’t. Yet many clients feel that this is what they should do if they screw up in any way.
Indulging in this kind of destructive behaviour keeps you stuck, because rather than focusing your energy on making positive action, you create more unhappiness and stress, making it more likely that you will repeat that behaviour that you are want to change.
Trust
Principle 3: The antidote to fear-based thinking is trust, or self love. People think of self-love as being narcissistic, or that loving yourself will lead to narcissism, but loving yourself appropriately is very different. As mentioned above, people with high self-esteem are operating from a place of trust. This is something we can cultivate with practice.
Exercise
Step 1
Write a list of as many things that you like about yourself. This list can include attributes, e.g. I have a nice smile, skills, qualities, talents, and achievements. Spend up to 5 minutes doing this.
Identify the top 5 things from this that you are proud of.
Step 2
Now write a list of things that you don’t like about yourself. This might include physical attributes. Spend up to 3 minutes doing this. This is long enough to be thinking about what you don’t like about yourself!
Unfortunately some people spend a lot of time thinking about what they don’t like about themselves. The problem with this is that what we practice, we get good at. It becomes a habit, and we are training ourselves to be unhappy. Why spend time getting good at something that is not very useful? It doesn’t make sense, does it? So it’s time to stop doing that if we want to boost our self-esteem.
Step 3
Identify the top 3-5 things from Step 2 that you would love to change.
Step 4
1. Identify 5 goals based on these 3-5 things that you would like to change.
You goals have to be SMART goals:
Specific: What exactly are you going to do?
Measurable: How are you going to know if you have achieved it?
Achievable: Deciding that you are run a marathon in a 6 months time might be achievable if you create an exercise plan
Realistic: Deciding that you are run a marathon in a week’s time might be achievable- it might just take a long time, but is it realistic?
Time Bound: When are you going to achieve this?
So for instance, if you identified that you are overweight, and don’t feel good about being overweight, then using the SMART goal system, you might identify the following:
I would encourage people to follow a weight loss program that is balanced, nutritious and sustainable, and recommended by a respected Doctor, Nutritionist or similar. Personally I would advocate a diet that involves eating real food, rather than powders/food substitutes.
2. Identify the daily actions that you are going to take to achieve each goal.
So if one of your goals is to lose weight, you might say:
I am going to follow this diet and eat 3 meals. I will snack on apples, nuts and seeds.
I am going to exercise for an hour a day, walking briskly to and from the station, Monday-Friday, and cycling or walking at the weekend.
3. Pay Attention To What You Are Saying To Yourself
Are you exercising the low self-esteem voice that says those negative things over and over? If you do, write them down, and then decide to have some different thoughts.
Think about what people with High-Self Esteem might be saying to themselves. Remind yourself of the positive things you like about yourself that you wrote down in Step 1.
4. Cultivate Compassion, Acceptance and Trust
Keep reminding yourself of Principle 1, 2 and 3.
Share
If you know someone who might like to do this challenge, get them to sign up and read this blog post. Send them this link:
Hi ……….
I’m doing The Six Week Self Esteem Challenge. If you want to do it too, check out the first post here, and sign up at www.inspiringchange.co.uk for more free stuff.
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SIMON PIMENTA is a hypnotherapist, coach and trainer working with people to boost resilience and performance, and minimise stress.
After working in a demanding job as the Director of a Housing Trust, he went off sick and remained unable to work for the next 8 years.
He discovered a pioneering approach to resolving health issues and quickly got back his health, and now trains others using these same techniques, to help them become happier, healthier and achieve their goals.