Coach and Trainer Simon Pimenta explore the idea of acceptance of ME/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Fibromyalgia and suggests the difference between accepting that you have the condition and accepting the condition.
I have often heard people who have ME/CFS/FM say, “I don’t want to accept the condition”. The motivation for saying this is a good one, but there is often confusion between accepting that you have the condition and accepting the condition. There is a difference. I believe that one is a useful perspective, whereas the other can be unhelpful. Here’s why.
What Are You Accepting?
Accepting that you have the condition does not mean that you have to like the fact that you have ME/CFS/FM, or that you are giving up on a quest to find a way to get better. It just means that you are acknowledging that at this point in time, that you are experiencing certain symptoms and facing up to them. This kind of acceptance can lead to a sense of inner calm and this can lead to useful reflection and enquiry; for instance considering what factors may have resulted in the condition. Whilst this might not be applicable to everyone, I certainly recognised that there were a number of factors; including my lifestyle prior to getting ill, that were not conducive to good health.
The Dangers of Denial
The opposite of this kind of acceptance is denying that you have the condition. This can result in people:
- Pretending that they don’t have the condition
- Pushing through symptoms, even when this results in more symptoms
- Being in a state of frustration and anger, which is potentially going to worsen your symptoms. See article ME/CFS: Dealing With A Relapse
- Not taking any steps that could reduce symptoms.
Acceptance and Resignation
I would define accepting the condition as:
- Resigning yourself to the condition
- Feeling that you are stuck with it/believing that you have to live with it
- Believing that there is nothing you can do to overcome this condition
- Not taking any positive action, no matter how small.
Clearly this is not helpful if you are determined to do everything you can do, within reason, to make improvements.
So it is important that you understand the difference between:
Accepting that you have the condition, which can be useful
Accepting the condition, which may be unhelpful.
By accepting that you have the condition, but not accepting the condition as a permanent state, you can take steps to start to understand the condition, and take actions, which are going to help you move forward.
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SIMON PIMENTA is a hypnotherapist, coach and trainer working with people to boost resilience and performance, and minimise stress. After working in a demanding job as the Director of a Housing Trust, he went off sick and remained unable to work for the next 8 years. He discovered a pioneering approach to resolving health issues and quickly got back his health, and now trains others using these same techniques, to help them become happier, healthier and achieve their goals.
Simon,
As per your piece on acceptance of an illness, in this case, M.E., vs. resignation(I trust I got the dichotomy correct). I find it is important to acknowledge and accept the fact that, all other diseases excluded, one has M.E./CFS. If one is able, one can find sites with good informational material. Some areas have support groups. Acceptance means one can take steps to manage the disease. How we speak about the disease can be helpful or harmful. I have encountered some who own the disease by saying: “MY fibromyalgia, or ‘MY’ Chronic fatigue, or ‘MY’ M.E etc. Acceptance does not mean identifying with it or defining oneself by it. Our speech can project an attitude or mode of being. Better to say I have a disease, or the disease is acting up, rather than: “My Chronic Fatigue is acting up.” Accept that we have it and have limitations but we are not defined by it or attached to it in such a way that we are victims who can do nothing. We all get down at times, however, I am referring to a mental attitude of attachment. It may be that there is a healthy way of befriending the condition such that it is other than ourselves yet with us always to some degree or other. You are better equipped to know if such might be of therapeutic value. It is a difficult subject, yet necessary. Glad you brought some light to it.
You make some good points Thomas. I agree that it is useful to create some separation between the person and the illness.