The Six Week Self Esteem Challenge Week 4: Skills and Capabilities

In the first week of this six-week course, self-esteem was defined as:
1. How you feel about yourself
2. How you feel about your capabilities

This week we are going to focus on the concept of self-esteem and mastery. Mastery is about developing your skills, to the point where you are very good or highly competent in a certain area. Think about your experience of school. There were (or are if you are still at school) some children who were in the netball, hockey, rugby or soccer team. Although there may be some exceptions, it’s interesting to notice that a lot of the children who were good at sports and played in the school team had a certain confidence.

Developing skills, whether it is sport, playing an instrument or in some other area helps develop confidence. By developing competence in one area, we boost our confidence doing that particular task, and it can give us the confidence to become skilled in other areas.

Unfortunately some people have a bad or uncomfortable experience, and they draw conclusions based on that one experience, that may be unhelpful and limiting. For instance, imagine someone gives a presentation, and they find the experience very uncomfortable; they feel awkward and self-conscious. They decide that they are not good at giving presentations. This is a generalisation; when we have a specific experience and draw a broad conclusion. The problem with this is that it stops us from identifying the steps to develop our skills in this area.

Back in Week 2 of the Self-Esteem Challenge, you were asked to write a list of as many things that you like about yourself, and things that you don’t like about yourself. What did you come up with for things that you don’t like about yourself, in relation to skills or abilities? If you didn’t come up with anything, in what areas would you love to develop skills?

Let’s say for example that someone dislikes the fact that they feel uncomfortable about talking in a group; for instance in meetings or social events, or giving presentations. Many clients I work with identify speaking in front of others as an issue they find difficult. If we want to change this then we need to follow these steps:

Step 1 Identify your thinking and your beliefs
We need to be clear about the effect that an issue is having on us. So if we contemplate the idea of doing a presentation, what feelings do we notice? Is it a sense of dread, lack of motivation, despair, or something else? We need to identify what we are thinking; what thoughts are we having and what we are saying to ourselves that generates these feelings. It may be:
“This is too difficult”
“This is going to be embarrasing”

If you can’t identify the thought, then a good strategy is to guess. Ask yourself: “What might I be thinking that generates these feelings?”

Step 2 Identify your beliefs
Then we need to ask “What is the belief that I have that results in me thinking and feeling this way?”
As before, if you can’t identify the belief, then a good strategy is to guess. So the belief might be:
“I’m no good at doing presentations”.
“I can’t learn to be good at presentations”.

Step 3 Challenge the thoughts and beliefs
Ways of doing this include asking:

Is it true?
Sometimes people will ask this question, and only look for the evidence that confirms their belief. So they might remember the times when they felt uncomfortable about speaking in front of others, and not remember the occasions when they felt relaxed and confident.This is called confirmation bias.

So we need to look for the evidence that challenges the belief. So for instance, you might ask “When did I give a presentation and it went well?” This may involve some lateral thinking. So one client said “I was doing a charity collection at a local fair. People would stop and ask me what it was for, so I would tell them, and most of them donated money.” At this point some people would say “Yes, but that’s not giving a proper presentation.” I would challenge that statement, and say that it is evidence that that person can talk to a group of people, feel comfortable and enjoy the experience.

Is it useful?
So if a person has identified that they are saying to themselves “I’m no good at doing presentations”, or “I can’t learn to be good at presentations”, then clearly these are not useful beliefs, and it is time to change them.

Step 4 Changing the thoughts and beliefs
The next step is to identify thoughts and beliefs that are more useful. So this person could say to themselves:
“I can learn to be good at doing presentations at work, as I have done good presentations in non-work situations. It will be a great opportunity to develop in this area. I’m going to keep at it until I feel like a professional”.

Step 5 Create a plan of action
So if a person is committed to improving their self-esteem by developing their sills and capabilities, they need to create a development plan. The plan might include the following goals:
I’m going to read a book on speaking in public
I’m going to watch some successful speakers online or at an event
I’m going to join a speakers group.

Step 6 Have a go!
Many years ago, I received some words of wisdom, whilst at the Notting Hill Carnival of all places! A friend of a friend had just returned from working abroad for 6 months. One of his bosses had said to him “If you want to be successful in life, develop your skills and abilities. Say yes to things, especially if they are things that you would like to say no to! Have a go. Learn from the experience, and commit to self- improvement”.

Louise Hay, author of ‘You Can Heal Your Life’ (a great book), says that the first time she gave a presentation, the first thing she did afterwards was to congratulate herself, saying to herself that by the time she had done six talks, she would be a pro. Only later on did she ask herself “What didn’t quite go the way I would have liked it to go? What can I do to make the next talk better?” Notice she didn’t beat herself up for any mistakes she made, or if anything wasn’t quite right.

Summary
If we want to develop our self-esteem, we need to develop our capabilities. We then discover that we are capable of more than we thought we were. That makes us feel good. So don’t accept self-imposed limitations that are not helping you be the best that you can be. Taking on challenges and persevering until we achieve our goal massively boosts our esteem and confidence.

So what is the area that you are going to work on? What steps have you identified? Feel free to leave a comment below about this, or email me your development plan.

Remember these wise words from Winston Churchill. He was asked to address a group of graduates, at Oxford University I believe. He said the following and then sat down. This may possibly be the shortest and most powerful speech of all time!

“Never, never, never give up.”

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Hi ……….
I’m doing The Six Week Self Esteem Challenge. If you want to do it too, check out the first post here, and sign up at www.inspiringchange.co.uk for more free stuff.

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SIMON PIMENTA is a hypnotherapist, coach and trainer working with people to boost resilience and performance, and minimise stress.

After working in a demanding job as the Director of a Housing Trust, he went off sick and remained unable to work for the next 8 years.

He discovered a pioneering approach to resolving health issues and quickly got back his health, and now trains others using these same techniques, to help them become happier, healthier and achieve their goals.