“I should do X- brush my teeth/go to church, visit my gran/eat my vegetables.”
“I shouldn’t do Y- smoke/drink/eat cake/curse.”
“I should know how to do this…”
“I should be X (smarter, healthier, richer, slimmer.)”
When we say “I should/shouldn’t……..” we can be creating stress.
Similarly, if we say “I must…” or “I have to..” it is having the same effect.
IN NLP, the word ‘should’ is known as a modal operator (MO).
In this case, the ‘should’ is a MO of necessity, it implies that we ought to do something.
A modal operator is a verb that modifies another verb.
It tells us something about how we operate/how we do things/how we see the world.
Take the sentence “I brush my teeth daily.”
If we add the ‘should’ it becomes:
“I should brush my teeth daily.”
The sentence now tells us something about how we think about the activity of brushing our teeth, but it does not fully explain why we think about brushing our teeth in this way.
During the Building Resilience training, we explore the idea that we enhance resilience by cultivating flexible thinking.
So how do we do this?
4 Steps To Boost Resilient Thinking
1. Ask These Questions
What would happen if you did?
What would happen if you didn’t?
According to whom? Who says I should do it?
For example I don’t have to brush my teeth
2. Replace The ‘Should’
Notice the difference between these sentences:
“I want to brush my teeth daily.”
“I have to brush my teeth daily.”
“I can brush my teeth daily.”
“I choose to brush my teeth daily.”
Replacing the ‘should’ with the word ‘choose’ is a way of taking charge.
3. Recognise When You Do Have A Choice
It may be that you have a sweet tooth, so feel you ought to brush your teeth.
The truth is that we don’t have to brush our teeth, but if we want to avoid tooth pain, high dental bills etc, then it makes sense to do so.
However we can still choose to do it.
Jack Canfield tells the story of a woman who was saying “I should visit my mother in law at Christmas, but I can’t bear my husband’s siblings.”
Jack suggested she didn’t have to go.
The woman argued with him.
After some conversation, she recognised that she wanted to see her mother in law, but didn’t have to go whilst the tedious husband’s siblings were there.
She realised that if she explained to her mother in law the situation, that she wanted to see her, her mother in law would understand and be pleased that she wanted to see her.
So by omitting the ‘should’ she was able to identify other options and make a choice.
4. Practice Pleasing Yourself
I trained a woman who, after the course, said to me something along these lines:
“I am so much better at not doing stuff I don’t want to do.
If I don’t want to go to a family do, I don’t.
Most of the time, I do things I want to do.
I do a job that I want to do.
When I started doing this, it felt strange.
Then it started to become a way of being.
And I love it!”
Wishing you great health (and a cupcake every now and then!).
Simon
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SIMON PIMENTA is a hypnotherapist, coach and trainer working with people to boost resilience and performance, and minimise stress.
After working in a demanding job as the Director of a Housing Trust, he went off sick and remained unable to work for the next 8 years.
He discovered a pioneering approach to resolving health issues and got back his health, and now trains others using these same techniques.